RESEARCH.

12.7.19

It’s been one of those weeks that has been a struggle. I’ve felt moody, unenthused and uninspired to do pretty much anything. I work rather well off of a list and have used my diary to achieve that, even the most mundane tasks are written in there, simply to cross off and look back on the day as though I have achieved something.

Wednesday didn’t have anything written in there, Tuesday’s page was minimal. Last week, each day’s page was filled to the brim with jobs to do, all of which I’d completed and those pages are filled with multi-coloured celebratory strips of highlighter.

I decided to take my very last day of holiday off today. I know I’ll regret that over the coming months, yet I think of the words ‘self-care’ and knew that was needed. This morning I have made myself get up early and made myself work.

The past few days have left me wildly frustrated at the want to write or stitch, yet as soon as I sit to perform these tasks, I give up. That isn’t going to happen today.

Since around 8.30am, I have thrown myself into copying notes into my workbook. Yes, it more than likely is busy work, yet sometimes I personally find that by copying these notes, it allows my brain to receive them well, far more than simply re reading and thumbing back and forth through many pages. Plus, this way I don’t have to carry four books with me, I only need mine. My shoulders and back are already thanking me.

I haven’t written anything since I’ve come back from Australia and that fucking sucks. It’s my own fault and I’ve let other things slip, such as the podcast. I could put it down to post-holiday blues; which a slither of it is, but I have to lay the blame with myself as I have the power to turn it around and I haven’t.

Sorry to listeners of ‘The Vault’, we will be back soon, I promise! There’s also a part of me that wants to switch up the podcast a little bit – if you’re reading this and are a listener, would you be willing to stay tuned if it wasn’t solely gaming related? Let me know either on here or over on Twitter (@Vault_Unlocked).

I’m pleased that I have just copied work into another notebook. Part of me feels as though this may be useless, but it’s reminded me just how much I want this, yet again. I feel as though for me personally that writing the book was the easiest part.

To elaborate on that seemingly bonkers point is as follows:-

With writing, you are safe, it’s your work. At one time of day, only my eyes had read those sentences, its harshest critic had only been me. Since then, I have allowed others to visit my character in their worlds, and this week I have received more feedback, which has been wonderfully positive. To have someone tell you how they’ve felt when reading your work is wonderful; whether that be their frustration of not knowing something soon enough, to be told that they wished they could have finished it sooner, yet life was getting in the way.

All feedback is welcomed, yet when it’s positive to begin with, and honest, it’s a magnificent feeling.

I have managed to drop that fear of letting another person see my work; I simply wish I could drop this fear of the absolute unknown, which is publishing. I need to dedicate more time to researching this. I have tonnes of books, one of which I used today, yet I need to read them. And I mean really read them. To absorb every word and take in every sentence, basically I feel as though I need to live and breathe it.

Crunch time is now. I feel as though Back To Reality is my best work to date, and I finally feel confident enough in myself at present to say that. For years, I’ve downplayed my work. I’m not sat here typing as though I’m the best thing since sliced bread, I’m not. But I feel as though my content has improved vastly since City Streets. Perhaps that’s through age and a different story. Yet this body of work is one that I’m extremely proud of and Christ have we gone through the mill to get it to where it is today.

When I was younger, I used my age as a tool to not push myself. You can be an author at any age, I was then, I still am. I’m simply unpublished. Remember, you are still an author regardless of that fact. I’ll be forever grateful to Amie for teaching me that. Once again, if you get the chance, check out her site for her mentoring and workshops. She is incredible and her energy and passion for writing is infectious.

At sixteen, eighteen, twenty-two, I wasn’t concerned about rushing to get published. Of course, I wanted to be, yet I used the ‘I’m young, I’ve got ages.’. I’m by no means old, yet I feel as though I need to push myself and finally begin this long and arduous journey ahead. I can’t keep complaining about my situation if I haven’t done anything about it. I don’t want to look back in the next ten years and think ‘I still need to do that’.

I know this post is long and a little ranty, but you’re used to me by now, right?

As much as I try to keep positive about this journey, it is hard to at times. The fear that encompasses me always wins and tells me to put the pen down, the notebooks away and the advice to one side. I want it to lose and only I can fight to change that.

I take my hat off to everyone who has submitted. You’re all rock stars and so, so brave.

I need to source that child within me again. Kids, quite famously, have no fear. I need to get that mentality back. The worst an agent or publisher is going to say to me is no. They may say more, yet the top and bottom of it is if they’re going to take the chance with me or not. It is a risk, yet I have to ensure that I make it worth their while.

The mock ups I need to do will be the most nerve-wracking part. There is more research to do and today is the day to find out a lot more. It’s time to drop the fear. It’s going to be tough to knock those walls down, but it needs to be done.

Thank you for reading this excessive post and I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I’ll be back as and when with hopefully a more positive, and shorter, post.

Take care.

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